Recipe #15: The makings of a good relationship

I know it's been a while since I've written, so first things first, HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I hope that the new year has been good to my followers so far.

Well, Valentine's Day is fast approaching and it got me thinking about what makes a good relationship? What does it mean to love someone?

1. One thing I hear a lot of people say when they break up with their significant other is, "I thought I knew you." This is probably the most important thing you can do for yourself in relationship, any relationship, good or not so good, is to get to know the person you are with. This doesn't mean just spending time with the person, noticing the good and bad about the person and hoping that one day you can change them. This means seeing the person for who they are and asking yourself, "If this relationship goes past 1 year, can I live with the way this person is?" Do they nag, or are they judgmental, do they let you be yourself or are they constantly telling you what you think or do, etc. How does the person live? Do you mind helping them keep their place clean if they are messy? Are they good with their family members? Do they have a shady past? Find these things out and ask yourself, "Can I handle this?" If you aren't sure, be honest and let the person know. It may become a toxic relationship if you lie to yourself and tell yourself you can when in the end you can't. You may end up regretting the relationship and hating yourself for letting it go on for as long as you did. And in a lot cases, the longer you stay the harder it is to leave, especially if there are children involved. So get to know your partner. Learn the things that you like and don't like. If you can handle it then pursue it. If you can't, then give it the boot. You deserve to happy and enjoy your relationship.

Once you have gotten to know the foundations of who your partner is (because no matter how long you been together, you are always learning about him/her), cherish them. Pay attention to the things that make them smile and laugh, the things that get them upset. This way you know what to do to always make them happy. And when you do something to make them cry, you have a very good idea on what it means to make them smile again. It makes your relationship fun when you can do things together that you actually like, and even if you don't, you get the satisfaction that you've made your partner happy.

2. For our long term relationshipers, those of us that have been with our partners for years, to keep the flames going, a few things I've noticed that are crucial are taking time to reminisce the things about each other that you love, and all the good memories you've made together. It is a lot of fun and it helps you remember why you stayed together as long as you have. Quiz each other: where was your first kiss? Your fist date? Your first argument? Your first time? Thinking back to these happy moments and thinking of new and fun memories that you can make together in the future will give you something to look forward to as well.

3. One last thing that I think is so important to a good relationship, and I'm sure all of us will agree, is to be honest about how you feel. If you are mad at your partner for something, if you're disappointed about something, if you love something that they said or did, TELL THEM!!!!! don't pretend like it's no big deal. Open up and let them know how you feel. And that doesn't necessarily mean you have to be over the top about how you show them (unless you want to), just say, "Baby, I loved what you did," or "Thank you for saying that," or "I hated that," or "I felt like this when you did/said this." This will keep things from snowballing and starting arguments later. Because in both instances, if you don't compliment your mate or let know when your upset, it will spark arguments later that may end up being bigger than they need to be.

Of course there are so many other things that make a relationship good, even when you experience the tough spots. These tough spots don't necessarily mean you need to break up; they help build character in your relationship so long as it's not destructive. These 3 points are things that I can see are very important to having a lasting relationship, for the most part. For some, this may not be enough, and even with all the trying it may not work out. But at least you gave it your all. For those of us still in our long term relationships and are happy to be with our partners, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!!! Make it as memorable as possible (good memories of course), and i wish you many more years of happiness and joy together.

Live. Laugh. Love.

dindin.

Recipe # 14: How To Be a Good Mother

I saw this on the Tyra Show the other day (I'm not a big fan of the show, but the topic caught my interest), where this young mother, age 20, had applied for and was hired at, a Brothel House and became a legal prostitute @ 6months pregnant. This girl's excuse was that her unplanned pregnancy, past due bills, and minimum wage employment caused her to choose this line of work. She was hired at this Brothel and from that point, she says her family, except her older sister, turned their backs on her and didn't lend any support. She was sitting up on the stage crying saying that this was the only option for her, and that any other minimum wage job, at the least, would not help her do what she needs to do to support herself and her baby. She also mentioned that there are a lot of of men that come to the Brothel just to be with her, to fulfill a sexual pregnancy fantasy. Now, I'm not a mother yet, but I do have a good idea of what motherhood entails. Yes, you do whatever you have to do for your child. BUT, you do what's in the best interest of the child, born or unborn. You don't put yourself in dangerous situations that can jeopardize the life of the baby. You do what is healthy, and set-up an environment that is healthy for a child to be in. Of course, to the best of your ability, because of course not everyone can afford the best of everything for their child, but there are appropriate ways and places to get the things you need. You also prepare yourself as a woman, to be a good role model for the child, especially as a single mother, as this woman was. Now, the baby's dad had his say, saying that he does not agree at all with the girl's choice and that he wants her to stop and find a regular job. Living with his mother, there was only so much support he could offer financially. But the main issue was that this girl thought that prostitution was her only option. She mentions also that without the family support, she feels like the other women at the Brothel treat her like family, and they threw her a baby shower (rolling my eyes). At 20years old, you mean to tell me that you felt you had no other options? Her father, being the mayor of her city, could not provide some help and advice? You felt too proud to apply for welfare? You felt that $10/hr job could not lend you some help in your first two trimesters? You felt the only way to support yourself and your unborn baby was to spread your legs for money? That is disgusting to me. I didn't have any sympathy for this girl, at all. There are so many places to go to for help. Debt consolidation if the debt is so out of control. Subsidized housing is available. There are so many options available and ways to find out where to go for help. It is just disgusting that she sat there expecting ppl to feel sorry for her, even though she admitted that at times she enjoys sleeping with the men. When asked what she would do once the baby was born, now at 8 months pregnant, she said she didn't know. This shows me that this girl has no idea what she is doing with her life at all, and has not thought about the well-being of child other than actually having the baby. And shame on her sister for not giving her sister more advice or help, because even though she told her that she disagrees with her choice, but how about researching some options for her seeing that the girl seems and feels that hopeless. Tyra said, and I agree with her, that there are so many other women that are in worse situations than her and don't ever feel like sex for money is an option. When you are pregnant, sex with multiple partners is very contraindicated and extremely risky. It's scary that some women feel that this is the only option for them as a woman and mother-to-be. sigh.

Live. Laugh. Love.

din-din.

Recipe # 13 : Good Hair

Unfortunately, one of the effects of Slavery was that Black people, especially among Black Women, was that we were conditioned to believe that straight, long, silky hair was better than curly, kinky hair. The evolution of relaxers and straighteners have given us a choice of how to wear our hair, along with weaves and extensions. Some of us now go as far to say that Black Women that don't wear their hair naturally have fallen victim to the "White Man" and have a distorted view of real Black beauty, and that by straightening our hair is damaging it. Granted, the chemicals that are used, although not as harsh as they once were, are some serious chemicals. But there are many ways to treat the hair to make sure that it stays healthy. Whether or not it is relaxed or natural, Black hair needs to be treated, moisturized, and all that good stuff. We as a people have evolved mentally enough to choose how we want to wear our hair. It doesn't matter if it is straight or not, it is our beautiful crown. The versatility makes us unique from all other races, to the point where some would love to have our hair. I can't count the amount of times a non-Black woman has said to me or my friends that they would love to have hair like ours. So embrace your beauty, my Black Women! Take care of it, love it, and enjoy it!

Live. Laugh. Love.

din-din.

Recipe # 11: Marriage rarely, if ever, changes things.

If you and your partner have problems now, getting married will not make those problems go away. If you can barely hold down a proper conversation or communication, if he/she doesn't like the way you dress or the places you go to have fun or chill with your friends, or he/she is controlling or overbearing, marrying the person is not going to make any of these things stop. it will probably make things worse because now you are married.this is a mistake alot of couples make, and it's a shame. deal with the things you don't like now so that should you decide to marry later, you know what you are getting into and know how you want to make things work. With this in mind, and the two of you want to make things work and stay committed for the rest of your lives, then both of you need to put in the work and make a change for the better - before the wedding. and both of you need to be willing to make the changes necessary to make things last. if the person is reluctant, then that is the time you ask yourself, is this really worth it? do i want to live the rest of my life with a woman/man that behaves and thinks certain ways that make my life miserable and complicated? in all, you should really know the person you are with. take the time to get know their quirks, irks, peeves, pleasures, and dislikes. and they should do the same for you. if you know for yourself that you can accept these things about this person and have ways/strategies to deal with the things you don't like, then by all means - get married, if that is the step you both want to take with each other. if not, then make the choice to not settle for for something that will never make you happy. just a thought.

Live. Laugh. Love.

din-din.

Recipe # 12: Gospel and Non-Gospel Music

Thinking back to my church days, and I thought about the music and the lifestyle, and being a person that is really big on music, I would listen to all kinds of music that peaked my interests, including alternative, pop, hip-hop, soul, some funk, etc. As youth coming up in the church, we were always encouraged to listen to Gospel music, and that "music of the world" is evil and that is how the Devil puts evil things into you through the music. Well, I saw on BET the other day, Yolanda Adams singing Chaka Khan's "Sweet Thing." I love ,e some Yolanda Adams. She has a beautiful voice and makes amazing music. I am sure that the Devil is not putting evil things into her because she sang that song. I am pretty sure that a lot of our Gospel artists listen and jam to the latest non-gospel tunes, and even use some of it as inspiration for the Gospel music they make. I love music. When it's really good, it hits you in the soul. It can make you cry or smile, happy or sad; it can inspire you, no matter what type of music it is. I was listening to some Kirk Franklin the other day, and it had been a while since I had listened to any gospel, and "Imagine Me," just touched my heart. You don't have to be a Christian to enjoy Gospel/Inspirational music, and you can be a Christian and listen to non-gospel music. Just a thought.

Live. Laugh. Love.

din-din

Recipe # 10: Father's Day Tribute

I know I'm a few days late on this blog, but it came to me that something needs to be said about the fathers of the world. I really feel like dads tend to get a lot of slack for their roles. I know that not a lot of us do this, especially on Father's Day, but dads seem to be second fiddle to mothers. It seems as though Mother's Day gets a lot of hype and advertising than Father's Day. I hear a lot of women saying Happy Father's Day to single moms, but I hardly ever hear anyone saying Happy Mother's Day to the single fathers. Yes, there are single fathers out there. My father used to be one of them after our Mother passed away, until he remarried. He took care of the three of us while working full time and helping to teach us responsibility and all the things parents teach us. He's not perfect, as no one is, but honestly, if I had to choose a dad, I would choose mine. Hands down.

As well, single mothers that are keeping their children away from their fathers: what the hell is wrong with you? Why would you deprive your child a relationship with his/her father? And I am talking about fathers that want to see their kids and help grow them up in the world. I'm talking about the fathers that, although he and the child's mother are no longer together, he makes a serious, full-hearted effort to keep in touch and regularly see the child and continue building a relationship. Not only is the father feeling the pain, but the child is going to eventually feel extremely deprived of a relationship with the father. It is so disgusting to hear stories about men that can't see their kids because the mother will not let them. It is so unfortunate, and to all those fathers out there that are being deprived of being fathers, I hope that your Father's Day was a good day and that you felt blessed to be a father.

And to my dad, I love you so much. I couldn't have made it this far in life without you. You helped make me the woman that I am today. Bless!

Live. Love. Laugh.

din-din

Recipe # 8: Cheating on your partner or cheating on yourself?

This one is gona be short. When you cheat on someone that you love, in essence, you are cheating on yourself. You cheat yourself out of would have been a good relationship. And in the end, you end hurting yourself as well as the person you are with. My bf made a good point with this in a discussion we were having the other day about infidelity. He said that should a person think about cheating on their partner, they should really put it into perspective for themself that in essence they are cheating on themself. They are actually robbing themself of the chances of continuing a good relationship with the person they are already with by stepping out on them. And in the end, end up alone because once the ish hits the fan that you've been unfaithful, chances are that there will be no chance or reconcilitation, especically if one has cheated before. so before thinking of cheating, regardless of what the situation may be with you and your current partner, remember: you are not only hurting your partner, but yourself. Just a thought.